The incredibly unfortunate thing about infertility (other than not being able to conceive, of course) is how little people know about it outside of the community.
I’ll be honest, when we first started really putting effort in, I didn’t know a damn thing about conceiving other than how to have sex. Ovulation? Basal body what? Cervical WHAT?!?!? Man, I don’t need all that…I’ll just have sex like everyone else does and we will have a baby in 9 months….right?
Wrong.
3 years later I know more acronyms then I care to admit.
We moved to Alaska recently to our new duty station and of course that means trying to make new friends since we will be here for a couple years. The awful thing about this is hearing all the same questions once it somehow always slips about when we will have kids.
I’m semi comfortable talking about infertility to anyone, since I know how taboo a topic it seems to be, I like to try to “educate” people on it the best I can so they can sympathize and realize that this is a rising issue and it’s more common then people really know.
It still hurts though.
•”Maybe it’s just not the right time.”
“Just adopt.”
•”My brothers cousins friend had trouble making babies, they went on vacation and now they have twins!”
•”Whatever you do don’t try! You’ll never get pregnant that way.”
•”No. Everyone can have babies, you must be doing something wrong.”
•”Can’t you just do in vitro?”
•”Gosh I wish I couldn’t have kids, mine drive me nuts!”
•”I know exactly how you feel, it took us 6 months to get pregnant!”
I always commend myself of staying classy and not going completely ape shit on people who ask questions that to me sound heartless. I will hold it together and give educated responses as to estimated costs, to why everyone is different, to time lines… “Here let me pull out this pie chart and show you why you can’t just relax and get pregnant!”
I sat in a bathroom at my husbands grandmothers house at Christmas and cried. I was wearing a thermal top from Old Navy that had “baby it’s cold outside” written on it and literally 5 different people asked if I was pregnant. I couldn’t do it, I sat in there and wondered why people don’t understand. I know we aren’t as open talking to his side as we do with mine but they know it’s been difficult. I felt exposed in front of his family that night when they would holler that question out and everyone would look at me as though I had a big announcement. My husband wasn’t any help, I sometimes don’t know if he knows how to approach the topic like I’ve had to learn to do.
I don’t know if it’s easier to not talk about it, or to just talk about it. I don’t know. I feel like either way I’m going to be bothered by something. The awful questions or the internal battle of holding it in.
XOXO
I understand completely. I tried to get pregnant for many years (about 10) before I gave up. Unfortunately, it never happened for me. I’m now 37, but still get asked if we are “ever going to have kids”… Most uncomfortable conversation, still.
At first I tried covering by saying I didn’t know when (even though we were trying), then I said we were waiting until the timing was right (yeah right). And now I’m switching to the “I’m not sure if i want kids” even though I die inside thinking I’ll never be a mom. Day by day my enthusiasm has died, but not the hope. I still want a baby. I’ll probably get to be 60 years old and still want one…
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For me personally it is easier NOT to talk about infertility, anyway no one will understand, unless they went through it themselves. For now, I don’t know anyone of my friends who faced infertility.
Last weekend we went to my husband’s parents’ and his mom decided to share with me a ‘great’ story of how a daughter of her friend got magically pregnant after praying some prayer blablabla, and she would go on and on about that woman and her state, and her womb, and her miscarriage before she got pregnant again..as if i was the only person in this world left NOT pregnant! It drove me nuts,although we do not disclose anything about our infertility issues to either side of the family. I could not respond to her stupid story other than staying ‘interested’ in it and nod.
But of course after I came home I burst into tears.
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Absolutely, I agree. No one will completely get it unless they lived it. I guess my goal with people close to me is to try to get them to at least halfway understand that there is a current struggle and to be sympathetic to the topic. Which isn’t an easy task. My husbands family is the same way with always succeeding at making me feel the most inadequate anytime I’m around. Luckily my family isn’t so heartless and is very good at avoiding the topic unless I bring it up.
I understand the amount of tears being shed over people who lack understanding, hopefully for us soon the only tears we will shed are happy ones for the miracles we deserve. Lots of love❤️
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