Today, is the International Day Of Hope.•••
Hope is something I’ve truly been struggling with lately. On both a trying to conceive level and with my mental illness. Everything is wearing on me and I just need a mental health day or to just scream. Every once in awhile, you need to take a day to close your eyes•breathe•count to ten•be aware you are doing absolutely everything you can in your power and its up to the universe now to pick up the slack. •••
I’ve been having a hard time keeping myself together and I’m regretful of that. Pain, stress, and exhaustion are getting to me. I’m unmedicated bipolar, and it gets to me a lot. Most of the time I’m able to breathe and balance what’s important in that moment. •••
Unfortunately, these last few weeks I’ve been taking my private pain out on my husband as he’s the only one I spend the most time with. I regret that, but I’m lucky he is understanding and knows what’s going on even if I don’t say it out loud. He is truly my anchor and I have no idea where I would be without him. •••
My appointment with my new RE keeps getting pushed back. Supposedly both of the doctors at the hospital are on maternity leave, at the same time. Great. So I’m on a waiting list until hopefully late fall at the earliest. I can’t go off post, or my insurance won’t cover any of the costs. So I’m stuck waiting until further notice. •••
I got off the phone after that and cried and prayed. I’m hoping that whatever the reason is for making my husband and I wait, there is a good reason. I don’t want to question anything but sometimes you do subconsciously. What is going one? What is the reason? Why can’t I just do the single most natural thing in the world, and just have my baby? •••
In this “day of hope” I try to educate people on infertility. Let them try to understand things from our point of view if possible. The heartbreak, pain, anger,….you can’t do that alone. I can’t do this alone. There’s an entire community of us, but we are spread out and sometimes I need to vent to someone other than my husband who is going through his own struggle and his job in the military is stressful without me adding to it. The loneliness of infertility is something I really want to touch on here; everyone around me in my real life, my personal life are so terribly unfazed by this struggle. They either have kids, don’t want kids, or are pregnant. My husband, like I said, he understands on his own level always wanting to blame himself and be angry at his own reproductive system even though there’s been no proof of him being the problem. My family, besides my mother, are very fertile. I come from a gypsy background on my mothers side, so all of them have been having kids from a ridiculous age. That’s what makes me feel alone in this. Inside my head I’m in pain and I know no matter what, I can’t convey the feeling to them accurately. •••
Keeping hope, though hard. Is a must.